Lighten Up Meditation

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values

When they won’t compromise

When they won’t compromise

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Whenever you make a decision, you are always evaluating the tradeoffs. If you know what you value first and foremost then you should gain some ability to be clear in looking at what the right thing for you to do is. It’s very difficult to make emotionally fraught decisions when you’re surrounded by people who are pulling you towards their own competing agendas, so the first thing to do is make sure you have the space in your life to know what YOU want, without the influence of others. It’s often really helpful to go out in nature, by yourself, and sit for awhile. Let the woods wash over you. Take a swim in a lake. Break out of your normal routine, again, BY YOURSELF, and let your thoughts settle out.

If you know in your heart what you want to do and you’re just worried about how others will receive it, then that’s fine. There may be a gap between knowing what you want and actually acting on it. This is common, particularly for those who are very focused on others’ feelings and wanting to please. It requires a certain amount of courage and conviction to do what you want in face of resistance from others, especially if your decision will make them unhappy and you have fallout to deal with.

However, if you don’t do what’s right for you, you will suffer even more than if you stood up for yourself and honored your own heart in your decision that you announce to the world.

If it’s truly the right thing for you, and if others truly love you, they will eventually come around and will see it. They will eventually let their own ego-driven agenda soften. They will eventually respect you for what you have done.

If their egos are too rigid, then it’s possible they won’t. In that case you’ll need to decide once again on your values.

Is it more important to keep this very inflexible person who is selfishly insisting on their own needs in your life? If the two options are indeed mutually exclusive, and you cannot do what you know to be right for you without negating what they insist is right for them, then are you okay with compromising your own true values this time? If you do that, will you have to do it again, and possibly again and again and again, throughout the continuation of the relationship? Is the relationship worth it to you, that you are willing to sacrifice your own evolution in this way?

These are critical decisions that only you can make.

And of course you have to make sure that YOU are not being the “very inflexible person who is selfishly insisting” — that you are doing what’s right because you KNOW it’s right for you and it’s a non-negotiable black and white issue that leaves no room for alternatives. Not every issue is in this category, of course. Some people make all of their issues high-drama and massive, which is not honoring reality effectively either. If you always railroad others in your life and insist on your way of doing things, then obviously that’s not appropriate; it’s ego. Yet if you’re allowing others to always insist on their preferences and if you constantly crumple in the face of any whiff of a conflict with people, then you’re not living your own values either. You may not even be aware of what they are. This is not letting you maximize your own development and potential for happiness. You’re cheating yourself by trying to please everyone else.

Whether you’re at a crossroads in your life and having to make a monumental weighty decision on which next path to take, or whether it’s a simple disagreement over something far less consequential, your values will govern your actions. Knowing your values with clarity is so helpful. and being to act on them when it’s appropriate is empowering. Even if that means sometimes walking away.

Family values

Family values

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The crossroads post recently talking about the importance of values may have prompted you to do some thinking.

Where did your values come from?

If you’re like many, they came from your family, and if you’re American, and especially if you were raised in certain religious traditions or from a particular political leaning, you may have been raised with an emphasis on family.

If you can reflect back and easily identify sayings that are prominent in your life — things like “Family first” or “Blood is thicker than water” or “Your family is always there for you” then it’s clear that the bonds of family take a precedence in your life. And there’s nothing wrong with that! Family can be important. Same thing with religion. There’s certainly nothing wrong with placing a priority on these things.

But it’s useful to examine WHY you have done so.

Is it purely because that’s what you were taught?

Okay, no problem with that…. But if you have accepted someone else’s belief system unquestioned, even if that “someone” was your mother who you love dearly, then it’s worth inspecting it to see what it means to you.

Pick it up. Look underneath. Examine the edges.

If “family first” is your #1 priority in life, then what are the implications?

Does that mean, for example, that if you choose something that you want to do, that doesn’t fit with your family’s expectations, that you’re going to succumb to a sequence of guilt over it?

Say you have a very good friend who’s getting married in August, and you find out that your grandfather has planned a big barbeque the same weekend. All the aunts and uncles and cousins will be there, including some you haven’t seen in a long time.

What do you do?

Are you obligated to cancel on your good friend and skip the wedding?

Or is it okay in your family to not show up at this family event if there’s a conflict in scheduling?

What emotions will you feel if you choose one over the other? Because obviously you’ll have to choose!

Does it change your answer if you’ve already agreed to stand up for your friend, that you’re committed to being in the wedding party?

How about if your grandmother was recently diagnosed with cancer, and your grandfather has planned this because everyone is concerned that she may not be around for much longer?

Aak! Complicated situation, right?

We’re faced with such dilemmas on a regular basis. This is where our values are tested.

The “family first” thing sounds innocent and pure when it’s stated in a vacuum but obviously in real life there are many many implications, and often people pervert innocent-sounding ideals for their own purposes. If there’s someone in your family who likes to use the “family first” idea to coerce others into going along with their agenda, then that’s not “family first” it’s “me first.”

And, what is a family if not a group of individuals? Most of whom (parents and children) did not even choose to live lives together! We don’t pick our parents, right? (Though some spiritual teachers may argue that yes we do! on a karmic level.) The “family first” value system would imply that the group’s needs are paramount. Yes it means that you’ve got this wonderful collection of individuals who’ve got your back, who’ll help you pull through when life hits the windshield. But there are other flavors and nuances to it, too. Perhaps in your family it also brings along morality around sex, or children, and whether abortion is acceptable or not. These are sometimes matters only of faith and sometimes colored by circumstances. If you take “family first” as your value, then what are the implications? How does this play out, in what way does it govern your actions and those of your family?

These things are rarely if ever verbalized.

Taking a flashlight to your own understanding can be so helpful. It lets you know where you stand, and what subconsciously may be driving your decisions. It gives you incredible self-awareness, and it’s also a powerful tool for making decisions and knowing where to go.

Family is a value that benefits society, that is part of our collective agreement as a species to continue to propagate and to thrive on this earth. There is absolutely nothing wrong with valuing the family unit and placing a priority on that in your life. However what else does it mean, in practice, in terms of confines or constraints? If the family is valued over all then by definition that means the individual’s needs are placed second.

If your goal in life is maximizing your own potential and fulfilling your destiny, then are family values the most important of all?

Perhaps they are! Or perhaps you’ll find that pursuing your own path may take you away from the nest and even put you in conflict at times with what “family” would dictate.

Being aware of the competing forces that affect you can be so liberating in itself.

It may not make individual decision-making any easier but it can give you an inner compass to guide.

Getting married and having children may 100% be your destiny. Or you may be the type who wanders and finds your contribution potential in less traditional ways.

At a crossroads

At a crossroads

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How do you know which way to go?

When you’re faced with a big decision in life — or even more so, when you’re feeling stagnant and unfulfilled and not sure what to do with yourself — how do you know what’s the right thing to do?

Some people have well-defined values. Either through upbringing or personal exploration, they know what’s important to them.

If sitting here now, when I ask you “What’s most important?”, if you cannot in a snap of the fingers answer the question, then you’re missing an incredibly useful tool to navigate.

And, even if you DO have an instant answer to the question, then it’s still super important to re-examine this from time to time.

Almost 100% of us who have strong values have acquired them from somewhere. It’s very rare for someone to have self-reflected sufficiently to have defined their own values for themselves, who has done the inner work and introspection

Perhaps they came in from your family. Maybe your father and mother instilled certain values in you.

Actually, it’s more than a “maybe” — it’s pretty much guaranteed that they did! This can be anything as simple as “The early bird gets the worm” to “Life’s not fair.” Whatever cliches or sayings that were repeated often in your household growing up have become embedded in you, whether you actually believe they are true or not!

Similarly with influential teachers you had, or significant books that you read. The world has a way of making an impression, and we pick up our beliefs and the things we think are true from our experience of life.

When you’re faced with a huge existential decision — Should I stay or should I go? or Should I find a new job? or Should I go back to school? — then this is where our belief system will drive us.

Or maybe drive us crazy!!!!

If you KNOW what your values are then you can have an easier time evaluating what to do.

If your spiritual practice is hyperimportant to you and above all else you want to be Free, then that is an incredible compass by which all other decisions are made.

Most people don’t feel that level of conviction, though.

Most people are interested in things like meditation and spiritual progress, but it’s not The Most Important Thing.

And that’s OK! It doesn’t have to be.

But do you know what IS The Most Important Thing if not that?

If you don’t know, then you’ll have trouble finding true happiness. You’ll have trouble making decisions that are fully satisfying.

And, not to get too meta or anything, but this is where meditation comes in!

It’s not like you can gain value from sitting to meditate one time.

No.

You need to be practicing meditation on the daily, on a very consistent and regular basis over the duration, in order for its real benefits to occur.

But what you can expect if you do it consistently is you will start to have clarity on what matters.

Or, as a beginning step for many people, what DOESN’T matter will start to be clear. The things that are less valuable in actual inner development will be revealed, and may start to fall away.

You’ll get tired of drinking. You’ll lose interest in the party scene. Social media pretending will grow stale. You will be bored with the routines of your life. You’ll look inwardly for more of your fulfillment.

You’ll begin to trust your own voice.

Many people are very very concerned with what others think and how they are perceived by the world, and it is incredibly risky to start standing up for what you believe when it’s different from the norms of your friends. If what you want to do is radical in the eyes of your family, it can be seriously scary to put it in words. It may be a long process before you can truly live your own truth.

But the constant immersion in quiet that you are committed to in your own daily practice of meditation will slowly give you the strength. It’ll increase the clarity you have for what matters, and over time, it’ll let you find your voice and express it.

Then these big decisions will be easier — or at least, you’ll be more centered in certainty on the inside. Whether you yet have the ability to fully follow through in the ACTIONS required will be up to the decisions you make and the conviction you allow yourself to feel.

But it’ll happen. If you believe in the process, and you allow yourself the space to believe in yourself.

You are the only one who knows what’s right for you.

Deep in your heart lies the truth.

It’s up to you to go find it.

image credit: Free-Photos Image retrieved from pixabay on 6/18/18