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When they won’t compromise

When they won’t compromise

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Whenever you make a decision, you are always evaluating the tradeoffs. If you know what you value first and foremost then you should gain some ability to be clear in looking at what the right thing for you to do is. It’s very difficult to make emotionally fraught decisions when you’re surrounded by people who are pulling you towards their own competing agendas, so the first thing to do is make sure you have the space in your life to know what YOU want, without the influence of others. It’s often really helpful to go out in nature, by yourself, and sit for awhile. Let the woods wash over you. Take a swim in a lake. Break out of your normal routine, again, BY YOURSELF, and let your thoughts settle out.

If you know in your heart what you want to do and you’re just worried about how others will receive it, then that’s fine. There may be a gap between knowing what you want and actually acting on it. This is common, particularly for those who are very focused on others’ feelings and wanting to please. It requires a certain amount of courage and conviction to do what you want in face of resistance from others, especially if your decision will make them unhappy and you have fallout to deal with.

However, if you don’t do what’s right for you, you will suffer even more than if you stood up for yourself and honored your own heart in your decision that you announce to the world.

If it’s truly the right thing for you, and if others truly love you, they will eventually come around and will see it. They will eventually let their own ego-driven agenda soften. They will eventually respect you for what you have done.

If their egos are too rigid, then it’s possible they won’t. In that case you’ll need to decide once again on your values.

Is it more important to keep this very inflexible person who is selfishly insisting on their own needs in your life? If the two options are indeed mutually exclusive, and you cannot do what you know to be right for you without negating what they insist is right for them, then are you okay with compromising your own true values this time? If you do that, will you have to do it again, and possibly again and again and again, throughout the continuation of the relationship? Is the relationship worth it to you, that you are willing to sacrifice your own evolution in this way?

These are critical decisions that only you can make.

And of course you have to make sure that YOU are not being the “very inflexible person who is selfishly insisting” — that you are doing what’s right because you KNOW it’s right for you and it’s a non-negotiable black and white issue that leaves no room for alternatives. Not every issue is in this category, of course. Some people make all of their issues high-drama and massive, which is not honoring reality effectively either. If you always railroad others in your life and insist on your way of doing things, then obviously that’s not appropriate; it’s ego. Yet if you’re allowing others to always insist on their preferences and if you constantly crumple in the face of any whiff of a conflict with people, then you’re not living your own values either. You may not even be aware of what they are. This is not letting you maximize your own development and potential for happiness. You’re cheating yourself by trying to please everyone else.

Whether you’re at a crossroads in your life and having to make a monumental weighty decision on which next path to take, or whether it’s a simple disagreement over something far less consequential, your values will govern your actions. Knowing your values with clarity is so helpful. and being to act on them when it’s appropriate is empowering. Even if that means sometimes walking away.

Family values

Family values

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The crossroads post recently talking about the importance of values may have prompted you to do some thinking.

Where did your values come from?

If you’re like many, they came from your family, and if you’re American, and especially if you were raised in certain religious traditions or from a particular political leaning, you may have been raised with an emphasis on family.

If you can reflect back and easily identify sayings that are prominent in your life — things like “Family first” or “Blood is thicker than water” or “Your family is always there for you” then it’s clear that the bonds of family take a precedence in your life. And there’s nothing wrong with that! Family can be important. Same thing with religion. There’s certainly nothing wrong with placing a priority on these things.

But it’s useful to examine WHY you have done so.

Is it purely because that’s what you were taught?

Okay, no problem with that…. But if you have accepted someone else’s belief system unquestioned, even if that “someone” was your mother who you love dearly, then it’s worth inspecting it to see what it means to you.

Pick it up. Look underneath. Examine the edges.

If “family first” is your #1 priority in life, then what are the implications?

Does that mean, for example, that if you choose something that you want to do, that doesn’t fit with your family’s expectations, that you’re going to succumb to a sequence of guilt over it?

Say you have a very good friend who’s getting married in August, and you find out that your grandfather has planned a big barbeque the same weekend. All the aunts and uncles and cousins will be there, including some you haven’t seen in a long time.

What do you do?

Are you obligated to cancel on your good friend and skip the wedding?

Or is it okay in your family to not show up at this family event if there’s a conflict in scheduling?

What emotions will you feel if you choose one over the other? Because obviously you’ll have to choose!

Does it change your answer if you’ve already agreed to stand up for your friend, that you’re committed to being in the wedding party?

How about if your grandmother was recently diagnosed with cancer, and your grandfather has planned this because everyone is concerned that she may not be around for much longer?

Aak! Complicated situation, right?

We’re faced with such dilemmas on a regular basis. This is where our values are tested.

The “family first” thing sounds innocent and pure when it’s stated in a vacuum but obviously in real life there are many many implications, and often people pervert innocent-sounding ideals for their own purposes. If there’s someone in your family who likes to use the “family first” idea to coerce others into going along with their agenda, then that’s not “family first” it’s “me first.”

And, what is a family if not a group of individuals? Most of whom (parents and children) did not even choose to live lives together! We don’t pick our parents, right? (Though some spiritual teachers may argue that yes we do! on a karmic level.) The “family first” value system would imply that the group’s needs are paramount. Yes it means that you’ve got this wonderful collection of individuals who’ve got your back, who’ll help you pull through when life hits the windshield. But there are other flavors and nuances to it, too. Perhaps in your family it also brings along morality around sex, or children, and whether abortion is acceptable or not. These are sometimes matters only of faith and sometimes colored by circumstances. If you take “family first” as your value, then what are the implications? How does this play out, in what way does it govern your actions and those of your family?

These things are rarely if ever verbalized.

Taking a flashlight to your own understanding can be so helpful. It lets you know where you stand, and what subconsciously may be driving your decisions. It gives you incredible self-awareness, and it’s also a powerful tool for making decisions and knowing where to go.

Family is a value that benefits society, that is part of our collective agreement as a species to continue to propagate and to thrive on this earth. There is absolutely nothing wrong with valuing the family unit and placing a priority on that in your life. However what else does it mean, in practice, in terms of confines or constraints? If the family is valued over all then by definition that means the individual’s needs are placed second.

If your goal in life is maximizing your own potential and fulfilling your destiny, then are family values the most important of all?

Perhaps they are! Or perhaps you’ll find that pursuing your own path may take you away from the nest and even put you in conflict at times with what “family” would dictate.

Being aware of the competing forces that affect you can be so liberating in itself.

It may not make individual decision-making any easier but it can give you an inner compass to guide.

Getting married and having children may 100% be your destiny. Or you may be the type who wanders and finds your contribution potential in less traditional ways.