Lighten Up Meditation

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Lighten Up Meditation

Emotions are emotions. Just let them be.

Emotions are emotions. Just let them be.

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The admonition to “don’t be angry” is deceiving – wrong – dangerous?

People get angry.

So now you have anger, PLUS you have guilt. You have a sense of failing, AGAIN. You can’t do anything right, especially not this inner peace bullshit.

When anger comes up, you will be angry. Until you do significant work on yourself to deal with the reasons that anger comes up, anger will come up again.

The very best tools that I’ve ever learned that unravel the spool of difficult emotions and eventually stop them from arising at all is Byron Katie’s The Work.

There may be other techniques too but The Work is the only one I’ve know to literally make the difficult emotions stop arising.

The other important tool to have is what Gangaji teaches: There is nothing wrong with anger. Anger is a part of you; it’s just what’s here. And most of the time, it isn’t. But when it is here, your job is to let it be here. Not to resist it, or tell yourself, “I shouldn’t be angry.”

If you can meet the anger, and welcome it, instead of resisting it or trying to make it into something else, then you may find that what’s underneath anger is not anger. It’s love. Yes I know, sounds crazy but investigate it for yourself! If you truly meet the anger, and let the anger simply be, what do you discover? Give it a shot, the next time someone cuts you off on the freeway.

And then later, if you want to unravel why you became angry at that person in the first place, sit down and do The Work. Identify the thoughts you were thinking that led to that anger to come up. Find out why the experience of anger came into your attention, by listening to yourself and hearing what you were thinking that generated that reaction. The thought comes first, then the emotion. By identifying what you were thinking and believing at the time you were cut off on the freeway, you can see what program was running or what script was playing that triggered the emotional response. It is always so surprising when the root thought is uncovered. Such discoveries can be priceless, and truly transformative!

Gobs of meditation and endless silent retreats may be empowering and reaffirming and healing, but in my experience, none of those practices actually untie the knot of personality. They can be profound, and deeply fulfilling, and bring stillness beyond stillness, and let you touch Truth. But then you go back out into the world, and you get on the 405, and you turn into an a-hole like everyone else.

Discovering the patterns and programs that drive the thinking mind will give you true freedom. Layer in understanding from these teachings and actively investigating the nature of mind will open up your soul to discovery.

image credit: Pexels Image retrieved from pixabay 12/25/18
The power is when you decide.

The power is when you decide.

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The Buddha made a decision: He sat down under the Banyan tree and said he would not get up until he became Enlightened.

If you’re not able to follow through on a change, it’s because part of you really does not want to do it.

Talk to that part. Figure it out.

What do you think you’re going to lose through this decision?

For example, in my donut addiction, I feel like:

  • having a donut is an indulgence
  • I deserve to have a donut
  • having a donut will make me feel good (this is always untrue; I feel like crap after I eat a donut)

I either choose to have a donut because I have been trained to see it as a reward or an indulgence, OR (more often) because I feel like crap in some way — due to a series of poor choices in the moments leading up to this — and I have a false certainty that a donut will make me feel better. Using it as unkind medicine.

Or, it’s part of my pattern.

When I drive past the donut shop, if 9 times out of 10 I have veered over to the right to park, then that’s the pattern I’ve established. Go this route, drive down this street, and a donut occurs. This can be more insidious because then I think I want a donut when really I’m just Pavloving. It’s my conditioned response to get a donut.

The ego will win because a) it lies to get what it wants, and b) you’re willing to believe those lies

Everything the ego promises has a kernel of truth but it’s wrapped in illusion.

To DECIDE is the ultimate statement that you are important. Sublty or unsubtly, you’re saying you’re going to do what’s good, right, healthy, and powerful for yourself. You’re saying that you’re not going to let the ego win.

Every thought word and action increases or decreases your energy

for the most debilitating patterns, I have found that I need to let myself sink to a certain depth, to get to a bottom of some sort — yes, just like they talk about with addiction (after all, ALL of these things are at the root about addiction to ego, identity, and comfort) — before I am ready to DECIDE.

Then the first few opportunities to be swayed I have that resonant decision. A true decision reverberates, and the next time temptation comes up or I am headed into a circumstance where I am at risk to indulge in my habit, I’ll usually waver but will not be shaken. I may not WANT to do the right thing but I’ll be able to do it, as I am still in the force of the recent decision.

Those moments are key but they’re actually easier than they might seem.

Once you’ve DECIDED then you’re good for awhile. You get a mini-reprieve. You’ll still be tempted and swayed but you won’t succumb.

What needs to happen in the days and even the hours following the DECISION though is to implement other good-for-me actions to start building my energy again.

These things are incredibly synergistic.

Once I’ve DECIDED to drop donuts, then I need to re-vitalize some other important positive habit in my life that I’ve been consistent on but haven’t been maximizing.

For example, I am a regular exerciser, not because I enjoy it but because it’s part of my spiritual practice. If my teacher had not emphasized exercise so much when I began meditating 25 years ago, there’s no way I would be exercising today. The longest I’ve gone with no exercise in my entire adult life is something like 10 days. There have been phases where exercise has been primary, where I work out every single day, and do major training for a goal on the weekends. Mostly though, exercise is something I’m much more casual about. If I go too long without it, I really feel the negative effects, and that alone is enough to keep me doing it even if I’m not terribly excited about it at the time.

So I know I’m an exerciser. I can count on myself for that.

When I DECIDE to drop donuts, then if I also up my exercise habit, it’s gonna make everything easier.

This combo is obvious. Exercise increases all the happy endorphins that a shot of donut artificially spurts in, though in much healthier and less dangerous ways. The more happy endorphins that are cruising through my system, then by definition, I’m feeling less pain. Exercise therefore cuts off one whole avenue for the ego to influence me. If I’m not feeling bad, then I don’t need to use donuts for the purpose of feeling better. I’m still at risk to the ego’s trick of tempting me into a donut because I deserve it — especially if I’ve been an exercising fiend for awhile!! But having one fewer route to destruction can save me from myself at least part of the time.

So the endorphins make me feel good, and then I don’t need a donut to do it.

The other critical benefit to exercise though: Finishing a workout increases the ability to deal.

Halfway through every workout — sometimes in the first five minutes — I start having disgruntled thoughts about how hard it is and I don’t want to do this and ugh. Pushing through those thoughts and sticking with the workout till the end increases my ability to be uncomfortable.

This again is immediately powerful protection against the ego’s devices.

So now I’ve got:

  1. A self-generated supply of the feel-goods — the endorphins from my workout that buffer me from pain
  2. An increase in the muscle of yes-it-sucks-but-I-can-do-this — this may perhaps be called “will power” or it’s simply grit

So I made a decision unrelated to working out, and my working out — the habit that I’ve established through a long life of doing it even when I didn’t want to — gives me massive advantage in supporting that decision.

This make a decision thing is really key. You ALWAYS have the ability to make a decision. It’s often where the battle is won or lost – and eventually, you will be graced with the decision to surrender and stop fighting.

And that’s where life really begins.

image credit: jarmoluk Image retrieved from pixabay 12/25/18
There’s no such thing as “easy meditation”

There’s no such thing as “easy meditation”

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I’ve got bad news, folks. Meditation is not easy.

“Easy” is watching cat videos on the internet.

Meditation is tough.

If you’re just becoming interested in meditation, then this may be either an absolute relief to hear, or you may find it totally discouraging.

Searching for a secret to meditation — like a 5-minute meditation that will fix everything that ails you — is a fine place to begin. If you’re new to meditation, please jump on board with whatever technique is exciting to you! But it’s not realistic as a complete panacea.

Any meditation is totally better than no meditation, so I don’t want to make you quit before you’ve even begun. But recognizing what REAL meditation is can be super helpful.

Meditation is about going away. It’s about you STOPPING.

That may sound really weird and even hard to completely grasp intellectually — and that’s OK. When you meditate, you are not actually doing the meditation.

That’s what I mean when I say that you stop.

You can try to stop — but you won’t succeed. You can try to get quiet, and it’ll help, for a moment or two. Your brain will settle down and may even go into a lull.

But it’ll be temporary. That’s one thing you can count on: Your brain will very quickly start to generate thoughts.

There’s this idea out there that everybody is being mindful and everyone is successful with meditation every morning.

But here’s the truth:

If you meditate AT ALL then you’re being successful with it!

The actual experience of meditation may feel rocky and even frustrating. It is not easy to do!

If you’re doing a meditation that you find to be “easy” then I wonder if you’re really meditating? Or are you just taking time to relax, and drift in your thoughts, and do some daydreaming?

There’s nothing wrong with any of that. But it’s not meditation.

When you’re meditating — or let me be more precise, when you’re trying to meditate — then you’ll need to exert some effort. You need to be present. You need to be alert to the natural drift, where the thoughts take you off into another illusion.

When that happens, then you don’t punish yourself or criticize. You just notice it happened, and come back to your point of meditation.

The reason it’s not “easy” is because this is a constant. This cycle repeats over and over. It totally does become easier — in that, you’ll get used to the cycle, and understand that, ‘Oh, right, I’m supposed to be meditating,” and more quickly come back to your point of focus.

But the thoughts will continue to come, and that’s OK.

At first, the experience of that onslaught of thoughts may even make you want to quit. That’s one reason why I say that meditation is never easy. When you’re first starting out — or, heck, for the first few years, probably — there may be a lot of frustration, and wondering if you’re even doing it right. That’s really common, and if you just keep at it, then you’ll find that it changes.

But stopping your thoughts being easy? Nah.

What’ll end up happening is that your practice of daily meditation will result in fewer thoughts showing up in the first place. But that won’t be you doing it. If you try to assert your will against the stream of thoughts, you’re gonna lose. 🙂

So please don’t expect this to be easy — and then if ever it is, if you’re taken by surprise by some glorious amazing incredible sense of peace that steals over you unexpected during a meditation, then you’ll marvel at the gift of it. And the next day, go back to your mat, and be OK if it’s a struggle again.

Because it’s always worth it. Your life will change. Everything is manageable when you have meditation as your foundation.

But easy? Nah. Don’t worry about easy. Just worry about doing it, and you’ll be set up for the win.

Spiritual pablum: Well-intentioned sayings that are just garbage.

Spiritual pablum: Well-intentioned sayings that are just garbage.

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If you’re on Spiritual Twitter* for any period of time, you’ll start to see them: Pithy sayings about #happiness or #peace that are just not true.

Like how you can meditate while running (hint: you can’t!).

Here’s another one:

Happiness is your birthright, hold on to it no matter what.

They end up sounding like those motivation posters that hopefully have been banished from the actual walls of actual companies by now. You know the ones:

motivational poster: teamwork

In case you can’t read the tiny text on that, it says:

Teamwork is the ability to work together towards a common vision,
the ability to direct individual accomplishment towards
organizational objectives. It is the fuel that
allows common people to attain
uncommon results.

Well then. You probably didn’t know that!! A definition of teamwork is likely life-changing for you, when you encounter it displayed on the wall next to the copy machine!!

Right?

Yeah, didn’t think so.

Or what about this:

Motherhood: All love begins and ends there

WTF?? Um, just, no. No offense to motherhood! It’s very apple-pie-y and all. But all love…. what??

With the quote that I started with — “Happiness is your birthright, hold on to it no matter what” — the issue is the word “happiness” and also on the concept of holding onto something. Let’s start with the first part.

Happiness is a word for an emotion (I’m tempted to create my own motivational poster with the definition of happiness!! since it seems it needs defining!).

Happiness will always come and go. It’s part of living in the world. Happiness is a state of mind. It arises, and it goes away.

While it’s true that meditation will bring happiness, it’s not something that I believe you should be focusing on.

It’s definitely not something to grab hold of and hang onto, per this advice! If you do that, you’re only setting yourself up for suffering. What if you try chasing happiness and you do something that finally makes it arise in your life, and you say, “Aha! I’m successful! I’ve achieved happiness!”

But then something else happens — as it undoubtedly will — and the happiness goes away. In its place you get disappointment, or sadness, or even grief, such as when a major loss occurs. As it always will eventually.

With the motivational poster, the information being conveyed is not actually that useful. Who does not know what teaamwork is? And too often, those types of posters are displayed prominently in organizations where there is way too much evidence that the value being promoted is not actually practiced at the top. Those types of posters can engender disillusion as they make the disconnect in the reality that individuals are living in the day-to-day life of the organization, compared with the value being touted, so jarring.

The problem with a Spiritual Aphorism like the “happiness” quote happens when an earnest seeker hears it, thinks, “Yeah, that sounds great!” and then retweets it or likes it or whatever because it’s something that seems like it should be true…. But it does not actually resonate with Truth.

In my experience, happiness is way too elusive until you’re really far along on the path — and even then, if you were always happy all the time, you’d forget what happiness is, wouldn’t you? At least for me, having some ups and downs reminds me of how good the ups are. It does not mean that when the downs happen, I need to suffer; I can navigate those without becoming unhappy. But that is not arising in my life because I am hanging onto the happiness. It’s arising because I’ve come to know that happiness is an aspect of my true nature.

But it’s just one aspect — one word. It’s an effect, not a cause.

If I try to hang onto the effect, I am already lost.

flowers in trashcan

Pithy sayings like this can do damage. They lead us down the wrong path. If I believe that I must “hang onto” happiness, that it is my “birthright” and I do not feel happiness in every moment, then I immediately decide that I”m doing something wrong.

“Dang, I can’t even get this right!”

It can make me feel like a loser all over again, which for most people is inconsistent with the experience of happiness.

Happiness is not the goal. Learning who you really are is the goal.

If you uncover the Truth of yourself, then all sorts of wonderful things will follow.

But those are effects, not causes.

You already are your “birthright” — you don’t have to do anything for it to be here.

The spiritual path is about letting go of false ideas and misunderstandings. You’re already hanging on to more than you need! Let those go and happiness will be revealed.

Or maybe I’m just a grouch. 🙂 (See: Why “Have a blessed day” doesn’t work for me)

 
 

 
*Also occurs on Mystical Facebook, Enlightenment Insta, and every other social media that exists or will exist
 
 

The tyranny of the right.

The tyranny of the right.

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No wait – don’t click away! THIS IS NOT A POLITICAL POST! 🙂

One of the most insidious parts of the ego is the need to be right.

Where does this come from?

It’s embedded deep within us, coming from the survival mechanism of evaluating threat in the world.

Find a red berry on your morning forage?

You’d better be able to evaluate if it’s a yummy one or poison before you eat it!

This need to be right in our perceptions of the world has run amok and to a large degree is the cause of our current political climate.

It’s useful to reflect on how this might manifest for you. Many of us (myself included!) hold strong views of the world and we’re committed to those views, and deem them to be correct.

But what happens when you encounter someone who is equally certain that her view is true instead?

This does not cause problems only on the big stage of political discussion. It’s a very real problem in everyday life. The need to be right is likely driving a huge portion of the small arguments and little conflicts you have every day.

It’s helpful to be aware of it, but it’s even more helpful to examine what’s underneath it.

Meaning: What do you feel is the right response when someone is wrong?

There’s this human tendency to use violence in teaching our young. We do it with dogs — roll up the newspaper and swat him on the butt — and we do it with kids, with yelling and screaming and sometimes worse.

If you dig beneath the surface, and examine your beliefs, it can be shocking to see how much you’ve internalized these behaviors.

I recently did this type of exploration. I had a small argument with someone over how insurance policies work — not even an argument, really, just one of those things that comes up in life when you’re talking with people at work or your friends. It was, ironically enough, about how insurance companies ascribe blame, and whose policy might suffer an increase in rates based on the specifics of a certain kind of claim.

These types of arguments, when I “know” that I’m right, cause me to feel physical symptoms: Rising blood pressure, accelerated breathing, quickening speech, restlessness. In other words, frustration.

I can’t stand frustration.

I stepped away, and later on examined the situation. Why did I react so strongly? (I still thought that I was right on the specifics of the insurance debate.)

Why did it matter? Why the reaction? What was underneath all of this?

The Work developed by Byron Katie [icon name=”fa-sign-in”] is the best tool I’ve found for looking under the hood and figuring myself out. I did a worksheet, and about five minutes into the process I uncovered this core belief:

“When you’re wrong, you must be punished.”

I can easily trace that back to the parenting style I experienced growing up. That’s not a statement of blame, it’s just how it was, and I think still is for many families around the world.

What was even more distressing was the accompanying acknowledgment that it feels good to be the punisher. This is the ego out of control.

There are some type of “victor” endorphins that get released when we have vanquished a foe. This too goes back to our hunter-gatherer origins. Humans are the dominate species on this planet not by accident, but by violence. We have overcome and subordinated every other species. This is a biological mechanism: When we win, the physical system rewards us with a shot of dopamine and we feel good.

Dominating over another person makes us feel good.

This is one of the most basic ways that the ego maintains separation.

When you dominate, you are separate from; you are removing your commonality and identity from the other and denying any part that is shared. The other is foreign. The enemy. I am at risk.

It manifests in this very simple requirement: I must make you suffer in order for myself to feel good.

When the ego sees an opening, it goes for it. It’s not enough then to somehow acknowledge that both are the same. Both of you cannot be right; one must be WRONG and that involves a fight and a declaration, and a public display of their shame.

So insidious.

So how do you counter this? What do you do?

Well, per that incredibly useful process found in The Work, you turn it around. Instead of “When you’re wrong, you must be punished” it becomes “When you’re wrong, you must be loved.”

I invite you to reflect on that for awhile. The comments are open if you have any observations to share.

image credit: MonikaP Image retrieved from Pixabay 7/18/18
“How can I meditate if I’m heartbroken?”

“How can I meditate if I’m heartbroken?”

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Extremes of emotion can be debilitating in so many ways. If you’re going through the heartbreak of a relationship that’s ended or grieving any other type of loss, then meditating can be really difficult. You may find that all you do when you try to meditate is sit there and cry. Or you may be so depressed that you cannot even get up the motivation to meditate at all. In my experience, it requires a certain amount of my-life-is-together before I have success with maintaining my meditation practice. If things have gone to sh!t then it’s way too easy to blow it off — especially if I’m feeling very down on myself already. When I get into the “I’m not worth it” cycle of self-blame and wallowing unworthiness then it can be downright impossible to do anything healthy and strong, including meditation or working out or all of that. Sometimes it’s hard to even get out of bed. How can you be expected to do something as life-affirming as meditate on top of such a Herculean accomplishment as that?

If you’re currently going through it and dealing with difficult times in your life, then that’s when meditation can be the most beneficial* — but you may not even know it. If you meditate when you’re depressed or sad or in pain, then it may often feel like you’re just spinning your wheels. It can be even harder than usual to find your focus. However, forcing yourself to sit down and TRY to meditate is actually doing a huge amount of good for you. It doesn’t matter if you don’t feel like you’re getting anywhere. The fact that you put in the effort, that you took a stance and told Eternity, “Yes, I’m going to meditate, even though I feel like my world is ending” — this is a big statement. You’re asserting that you do have faith, that you do believe you’re worth something. And, very very important, if you sit down for your regular meditation session and you don’t skip it, even if you feel like crap, then you’re re-establishing that habit. This will make it easier to do it again the next day. Continuity on your meditation practice is one of the most important aspects to evolving. If you blow it off all the time, then pretty soon you will realize that you’re no longer meditating at all.

So, even if it feels like it’s not getting you anything or that you’re really out of it and being ineffective with your attempts to quiet down, it’s still tremendously important that you try.

And who knows, perhaps Grace will visit you and you’ll be able to slip away into the silence of your mind for a time.

And when you finish, then you’ll realize that there’s a bit more peace, and calm, and even a peek of joy coming through.

It’ll make you stronger, and make it easier to deal with the darkness or despair that you’re feeling.

Meditation brings light into your mind — or more accurately, it lets you experience the light that’s always there waiting. When emotions are painful and heavy, it can be very difficult to perceive that light. Sitting down to meditate, even when the challenges in your life are especially severe, can help you through them and bring you to healing. It may be all you need to let those emotions loosen their grip, even if just for a time.

Meditation when you’re emotional can be really hard, but just try. Focus on your heart, or if nothing else, then on your breathing. Watch. Wait. Listen. Say a mantra, or repeat a prayer or even a poem. Bringing yourself back to the center can help you remember the Truth of who you are, and that Truth is beyond all suffering.

If it proves too difficult, don’t force it. Let it go, and go do something else, like watch a movie or read a happy book, or talk with a friend. Be proud of yourself for putting in the attempt. Even if it seemed worthless when you tried, really, it’s not. All meditation is good, even when it feels pointless and hard.

If you’re having a rough time, then I wish you comfort. Peace is there, beneath it all, but sometimes we need to feel the anguish, as part of the process of discovering what’s real.

 
 

*ANY meditation is “the most beneficial” though!! Sometimes it’s even harder to get yourself onto the meditation pillow when things are going really great, since there’s no motivation to push us to fix it. However, that’s when you can make some seriously tremendous progress.

Sorry but no: Your chakras are not out of balance.

Sorry but no: Your chakras are not out of balance.

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There’s so much hokey content out there. There’s a very good reason that New Age ideas get little respect. When you hear about some pricey course or training to help you “balance” or “align” your chakras, then you should run very quickly.

Your chakras are not out of balance. Chakras are energy portals or points on your subtle physical body; they are real to the extent that you can perceive them with the right practices. Your chakras may be something you’re not aware of right now but that does not mean they don’t exist — and it definitely does not mean they’re out of whack.

Sometimes people who are starting a chakra-based meditation practice may have difficulty feeling their chakras, which is a symptom of being new to the practice. Or, sometimes, there’s an unwillingness to deal directly with that part of your physiological makeup. For example, if someone cannot easily perceive the heart chakra and feels blocked there, then that may be because they’ve experienced a lot of emotional trauma and they’re unwilling to look at that pain for fear of unleashing it again. Heartpain is very difficult, so understandably they may not want to go there quite yet. They can continue practicing the meditation on the heart chakra and over time they will loosen up and find the courage to go deeper. In this sense, you could say that there’s scar tissue built up over the chakra, but that’s just a way of talking about it. The chakra itself is still there, alive and kicking and in full balance with itself and with every other chakra in your being. It’s just that THE EGO is not ready to let go and be free.

There’s even more risk when you come across someone who promises to teach you how to manifest things through the chakras. I saw some social media posting about using specific mantras to attract money or sex into your life. Uhhh…. That sounds awfully close to certain types of black magic, and it’s not what I would ever recommend!

A true meditation practice involves surrender. It’s about letting go of the identities you hold so dear — falsely. Those identities are what get caught up in the “need” for sex or money. If you’re focusing on attracting power into your life — which is exactly what sex and money are about — then that is incredibly risky. That’s engaging and empowering the separate false sense of “I” — the ego. It’s not about letting go of the illusion and letting Eternity flow through.

When intention is right, then Eternity takes care of the rest.

If you think your chakras are out of balance, then in that sense you’d be correct: Your THINKING is what’s causing an imbalance. The thinking itself creates obstruction.

But chakras are just there.

In advanced stages of deep meditation, then yes there can be intense movement of energy through the chakras. The lack of this movement does not mean there’s something wrong with the chakras or that some type of balancing is needed.

A practice focusing specifically on quietening the mind and going within and letting Eternity be there without grabbing and controlling and trying to manipulate is likely going to be the most beneficial, in terms of allowing yourself to experience who you are, within and behind and underneath all the talk of the chakras.

Chakras may be interesting but as with all the other New Age mumbo jumbo, there’s a lot of misinformation and truly bad ideas floating around out there. Be careful who you listen to as you continue your inner explorations.

 
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image credit: nobull Image retrieved from Pixabay 6/18/18